What is PAC-therapy?
PAC-therapy is a new term in relationship therapy, developed by Kelly Esseldeurs, a relationship therapist at Groepspraktijk De Alverberg. This method is based on principles from cognitive behavioral therapy and combines them with personal development and relational skills. It focuses on breaking accommodation behavior in relationships—patterns where one partner excessively adapts, which can be detrimental to equality, reciprocity, attraction, and connection.
Relationships can come under pressure when one of the partners struggles with mental health issues, burnout, depression, or a physical limitation. This can create additional responsibilities and stress for the other partner. Through frequent accommodation behavior, the healthy partner can unconsciously be drawn into the other person’s problems.
This leads to a gradual shift in the relationship, where stress, emotional burden, and behavioral dynamics are transferred from one partner to the other. The process of mutual influence undermines not only the coping capacity of the supportive partner but also the overall relationship balance. PAC-therapy (Partner ACcommodation) helps couples who are dealing with this and are looking for a better balance.
When is PAC-therapy suitable?
PAC-therapy is intended for couples where one partner has a vulnerability that affects the relationship. Think of psychological challenges such as extreme jealousy, fear of failure, social phobia, or the consequences of a trauma. But also temporary crises such as burnout, postpartum depression, or financial problems can disrupt a relationship. Often, the healthy partner feels overwhelmed and there is a lack of mutual care and support.
What is happening in the relationship?
A partner with personal problems often has less space to provide emotional and practical support. This means that you may find yourself more alone, both in daily life and in parenting children. At the same time, a negative atmosphere can develop at home: a short fuse, fear, gloom, or passivity. Your partner may also expect you to give extra help or attention. If this situation lasts too long without clear agreements, the relationship becomes unbalanced and frustration grows.
Additionally, people with psychological vulnerabilities often revert to old behavior patterns from their youth. This can mean that they adopt a passive stance, avoid, or complain. But it can also manifest in overly taking action, wanting to solve everything immediately, fleeing behavior, or extremely relying on the other. As a partner, you risk automatically taking on a corresponding role, such as the fixer, the understanding one, or the quiet sufferer.
You can forget or overestimate yourself, causing you to unknowingly maintain an unhealthy dependency. This is called co-dependency: you become more of a caregiver than a partner, or you spiral into negativity yourself. Moreover, the accommodating behavior causes the supportive partner’s own capacity to gradually shrink, as influence takes root within the relationship.
How does PAC-therapy help?
PAC-therapy helps to break these patterns and create a healthier dynamic. The focus is on three pillars:
Growing as a couple
Some challenges are permanent, others are temporary. In both cases, PAC-therapy can help to become stronger together. For the healthy partner, it is essential to set boundaries and allow space for personal needs. This does not mean that you care less about your partner, but it prevents the relationship from becoming one-sided. In the end, it is all about balance: giving and receiving, taking care of each other without losing yourself.
Do you recognize these challenges in your relationship?
At Group Practice De Alverberg, we understand that every relationship has its own vulnerabilities. Is your partner struggling with mental health issues, burnout, or other challenges? Do you feel overwhelmed or notice that the balance in your relationship is disturbed? Then PAC-therapy might be the support you need!
Do you want to know more about PAC-therapy and how it can strengthen your relationship?
Contact relationship therapist Kelly Esseldeurs and discover how you can find a new balance together.
