What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding is a phenomenon where someone in a relationship develops a strong emotional bond with the other, despite – or precisely because of – the suffering that is experienced. This psychological process arises from a complex mix of attachment, neurobiology, and behavioral conditioning. How is it that some people remain trapped in emotionally draining relationships?
Attachment and trauma: the psychological aspect
According to attachment theory, our patterns of attachment develop in early childhood. People with an insecure attachment style – such as avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachment – are more likely to get stuck in destructive relationships.
Everyone longs for inner emotional balance, and as long as that is lacking, we unconsciously feel drawn to partners who trigger our vulnerabilities. This is an unconscious way of confronting our own emotional pain and thus growing.
Personality types in trauma bonding
In relationships where trauma bonding occurs, different personality types play a role. These types often develop close, but difficult relationships, where insecure attachment patterns are central. Often, the emotional sensitivities of the partners act like communicating vessels: for example, the perfectionist often ends up with an extremely critical partner, and someone who is addicted to intense emotions will frequently encounter a partner who is very dramatic or unstable.
From that confrontation, unhealthy behavior patterns arise that quickly put the relationship under significant strain. At the core often lies the attachment style that was developed in the relationship with attachment figures (parents, caregivers, former partners, …).
Overview of personality types
The document below (in Dutch) provides an overview of the main personality types that are often involved in trauma bonding. In the table, you can also see what attracts them, what identity beliefs they often hold, which attachment style they commonly exhibit, and what behaviors are associated with it.
By gaining insight into the underlying wounds and the associated behavioral patterns, people can consciously work on their own recovery and intentionally break the dynamics in relationships that lead to trauma bonding. Recognizing these types in yourself and in your relationships can be a first step towards healing these dynamic relationship patterns.
Download the table here: “Personality Types in Trauma Bonding”
How do you break free from a trauma bond?
Recovery begins with awareness. Trauma bonding is a deeply rooted process, but with the right knowledge and help, it is possible to break the chains of emotional captivity and embark on a path to healing.
Some examples from our practice:
Note: we use fictitious names to ensure the privacy of our clients.
Sophie and Louise
Sophie, marked by separation anxiety, constantly seeks validation from her partner Louise. She has previously had an avoidant attachment style. This dynamic creates a vicious cycle: Sophie’s fear of longing continually triggers Louise’s tendency to withdraw, which constantly brings back Sophie’s fears.
A safe base must be created for both partners. Sophie needs to learn to manage her fears through self-care and cognitive restructuring, while Louise needs to learn to tolerate emotional closeness. Essential is also connecting communication, in which they develop empathy and patience for each other’s vulnerabilities.
Hanneke and Jan
Hanneke is perfectionistic because she was often rejected in her youth. Jan is very critical because he was raised strictly and received a lot of criticism from his parents. He also received little attention from them. When Hanneke works hard, Jan can quickly have comments about it. This makes Hanneke feel not good enough, causing her to become even more perfectionistic. Thus, they remain trapped in a vicious cycle.
Self-compassion is essential for Hanneke so that she disconnects her self-worth from performance. Jan, on the other hand, needs to learn to give positive feedback. Both need to let go of their destructive beliefs and work on a culture of support and acceptance.
Peter and Eva
Eva experienced oppression in her youth and therefore values her freedom and independence highly. Her partner Peter feels naturally insecure and tries to exert control in the relationship. This creates tension: Eva wants space, while Peter seeks stability through control. The more Eva frees herself, the more insecure Peter becomes, which drives him to want even more control.
It is important for Eva and Peter to understand each other’s pain points. Eva needs to communicate clearly and respectfully that she needs space, while Peter must realize that less control does not mean he is being rejected. A healthy balance in the relationship is crucial. This can be achieved through better communication and building more trust. Peter can work on his self-confidence while Eva shows understanding for his insecurity.
Do you recognize yourself in the described dynamics and patterns?
Group practice De Alverberg offers a safe space to work together on understanding and changing these patterns.
